Every maze has a dark bit. (2nd post today!)

It is on nights like this that I think of my father.

Nights when it is late, when I cannot sleep, and when I am alone. I feel my father suddenly, sharply, and unexpectedly. Like a sudden stab that bursts unwelcome into my chest and then slides its way down my torso, maliciously letting in the cold outer breeze. I miss him suddenly, after hours or days or weeks of casually thinking "My father is dead. My father has been dead six months and ten days. This is my new life." In a rush, the covered emotion surges, and I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed by loss and grief and disbelief at the horror that is my father's all-too-untimely death. I am nothing now...my father was my anchor. What am I without him? My mother and my sisters feel the same, I think...what now? What or who are we? It's not a question anyone can answer. I simply drift past empty answers, a husk of myself, drifting in search of an answer or identity that I may never find without my father to guide, nurture, and mentor me.

Is there anybody out there?

Hey, you!
...
Can you feel me?

I don't think I ever wrote in here the reasoning behind my name for this blog. "It is in these moments that we are made or broken." This is a quote from a letter written by my father while he was living. I have a more extended version in the "quotes" section of my facebook page if you'd like to read it; it's incredible. He is talking about the trying moments that come when the grat Crisis strikes our lives and we must fight the great battle against the darkness that threatens to envelop us permanently. I thought that it was the best possible way to introduce my blog: a great battle for the light, a challenge to that which is dark, an embracing of courage in the face of fear, an exploration of the world in an effort to find Truth. As I roam the world, I wish to be made or broken in every moment that I experience. I wish to be created anew, molded into a fuller and greater version of myself. I wish to be shattered and reassembled into creature of Love.

I wish to be the warrior that my father was.

Here's his extended quotation:

"The crisis that I speak of will come to us all. But it is during those moments in the fire that we are either made or broken as courageous men and women. Sometimes he makes us by breaking us. Christ Himself fell three times on the way to Golgotha. But He got up again and again and again. We have to do that too. It's the difference between loving and giving up."

-Mark Green


xoxo,

-Kate

Mazes come in all shapes and sizes.

My most recent maze has been an entirely mental one.

I have gained an enormous respect for immigrants in the past few days. It is SO HARD to live in a country filled with people who don't speak your native tongue. SO HARD. Hard to eat, to travel, to get a phone, to use a phone, to buy anything whatsoever, even to ask for help with the things you don't have the vocabulary to do. At my University, everything is in English, but classes don't start for two more weeks or so, and I live a good 10-15 minute bus ride from campus. I live in a non-tourist area, too. This means that most people don't speak a blessed WORD of English. Not even "yes" or "no." I've been fortunate enough to run into a few English-speakers who've taught me some valuable phrases, but things are still crrrrazy hard. I've decided to skip taking Ancient Greek and take some Modern Turkish instead just so that I can cope around the city! Ha ha...

Still, this doesn't prevent me from admiring my surroundings. In spite of the stress of trying to figure out the bus system and find a cheap phone, things are going pretty well. I'm adjusting very quickly. Now, I just need to go and visit a few exotic places! :)

Campus is stunning, by the way. (Well, there are three campuses technically, but I'm taking classes on the South Campus, so that's the one I think of as "campus.") I have pictures up on facebook if you'd like to check them out, but it's hard to really summarize it with a few photos. It overlooks the Bosphorus and really takes your breath away. I can't imagine how a person could ever live in such a remarkable place and ever forget how amazing it is. I don't think that I ever shall. :)

I've already made several friends; people are really nice here! :) I mostly hang out with one of my roommates, Hajera, a girl from New Jersey, so we usually share in our adventures and friend-making. We've been fortunate enough to have only met one shady guy so far, and he was deterred from any additional shadiness with a firm "NO, we don't want to sleep over at your house!"...hahaha... Everyone else has been darling.

I want to visit some unique places, though!! So far, we've only been to Taksim and our Uni. Ideas?

I find it interesting to observe responses to me being American: NO ONE CARES!! Ha ha! And no one has heard about the Pastor Terry Jones incident at all. Most people seem pretty chill about religion. You do hear the call to prayer announced five times a day and some women in scarves, but it isn't extreme. In fact, it's just like America is with Christianity: most people are Muslim, but few make a big deal out of it. We are all very much the same, aren't we? :)

This does, of course, beg the very touchy question: what is religion really? A social construction? Truth? A fabrication? Right and wrong? The same thing through different cultural lenses? It's one thing to ask this in the comfortable luxury of your own culture, but once you enter into another one, you've finally got a basis for comparison. Hmmm...I'm still pondering it a bit...I'll get back to you after I mull it over a little more...

Lovelove,

-Kate

And after we jump from the cliff, we hit the water.

I am here. O. M. G.

Flight from Nashville to New York was a dream; in the future, I shall remember to always fly Delta if possible! :) Transferring from LaGuardia to JFK, however, was an entirely different matter. Utter nightmare; I got directing to 3 wrong terminals in search of Turkish Airlines. My travel tip for the day is that if you are changing flights at JFK, ALWAYS research the location of your airline ahead of time. Otherwise, it'll be a nightmare.

Flight to Turkey was long but relatively pleasant. I was fed delicious food and was able to watch TV/listen to music all the way there. Arriving at the airport, I had a tough time trying to figure out how to purchase and use a phone card, but I got it in the end. Taxi to the apartment, go to cafe, go take a nap, and now back in cafe with one of my two lovely new roommates waiting for pizza. :)

I've noticed something interesting on this trip so far: mankind is actually quite wonderful. I've made friends everywhere who are overjoyed to help me out however they can. I met people from the flight to New York who will hook me up with people in Prague and Italy so that I can travel. The man who drove me to JFK form LaGuardia came early to make sure I made my connecting flight. At JFK, I met a nice gentleman who helped me carry my bags and take a train to the right terminal. Upon arriving at Atatürk Airport in Istanbul, a nice young man helped me carry my bags outside and even got my taxi for me. My taxi driver waited for my contact to come before leaving. He waited 20 minutes and didn't charge me for it. My contact showed me around and bought me a delicious snack. My neighbors upstairs helped me and Hajera (roomie!) figure out the lock on our door and even oiled it for us. At this cafe, they got an English-speaker to explain the menu to us.

So what does this all point to? Contrary to the popular belief of many, people are wonderful! I have been helped every step of the way, and I am so grateful. I am so blessed. I can already tell that this is going to be an amazing experience. The city is beautiful and unique; it vibrates with energy. There is so much to see and enjoy. I've already seen so much, but I'll wait until later to type it all out. Gotta go eat me some pizza now! :D Margherita pizza, of course. The most delicious of pizzas.

I do miss my family, though...and James. James...I didn't realize that I could or would miss him so much. My heart aches. I wish that he were here to enjoy this with me. :/

Lovelove,

-Kate

Last moments at the edge of a cliff.

I love epic blog titles. Or movie titles. Or book titles. Etc.

It is, however, appropriate. Today is my very last day, and I'm beginning to really freak...nervous nervous nervous. I feel confident that everything will work out just fine and all, it's just that it's all so different...phew! This is going to be a roller coaster ride.

A little worried about switching airports in New York--yes, the bleepity bleeps are making me switch from LaGuardia to JFK--but that's more because of the price than anything else. Anyone know anyone with a car in NYC? I'll pay for a riiiiidddeeee!! :D Ha ha...

I'm checking and double-checking lists, but I'm not sure what to really ask myself. "What do I need" seems the most appropriate question, but "need" for what? What do I need for studying abroad? What do I need for a life-changing experience? What do I need to study? What do I need to have fun? What do I need to discover myself? What do I need?? What am I needing it FOR?

Then again, this is always the question that I feel we are asking ourselves: what do I need from this moment, this day, this week, this year, person, job, life? What do I, as a feeling, thinking, loving, struggling, laughing, crying phantasm of the imagination of some great prince or pauper NEED? James will ask me this sometimes: "Kate, what do you need?" How often do we ask ourselves this? How often do we allow ourselves to actually know? I feel that we always can know if we look deeply enough, but we often fear to look so deeply. Who knows what we may find along the way?

What do I need? Suggestions? :)

Love,

-Kate

Firsthoughts, I suppose...

Hm.

I was thinking about keeping one of these but didn't decide to until the millionth person asked me if I was planning on keeping one while studying in Turkey this semester. Figured that I might as well...not so much for the imaginary multitudes of readers (snort!) as for my own desire to express whatever it is that I may experience there. Mmm...and I suppose that it will be easier to give people the link to this blog than to update everyone individually. So! It does indeed make sense to keep a blog. :)

I leave in...what, 6 days now, isn't it? Sheesh...the excited that I've been feeling is getting wriggled-ly replaced by fear...well, maybe fear isn't the right word...nervousness, perhaps. I am nervous. I do not know what on earth living in Istanbul for 4 months will be like. I'm glad that I at least have a university to attend while I'm there. Thank heaven for study abroad.

For those of you who don't know, I'm attending Boğaziçi University in Istanbul, Turkey for the fall semester. Also, since it is the very last semester of my undergrad (hoorah!), I intend to spend the following two months backpacking. If I live frugally enough while in Turkey to afford it, that is. Right now, I'm really just trying to think of everything I need--and don't need--to take with me for the trip. I'm open to suggestions... :)

Anyhoo...going to buzz away and continue errands...need a backpacking backpack...Cumberland Transit, here I come!! :)

xoxo