The Adventure begins.
Perhaps it has already begun; perhaps it began a long time ago. Perhaps I'm only just realizing it. Perhaps I have always been "in the flow of it." But I feel the page turning now.
As many of you know, I have returned to Istanbul to live and to work. I have been back here a little over a month, and it's truly magical to be back. I love this place, this energy, this feeling. I feel better connected to myself here, and the importance of that cannot be overemphasized for anyone.
Work is good so far; we work extremely hard and quite a lot, but the compensation is well worth it. We are paid well and are expected to produce work proportionately. Fair enough for me! I like to be busy. So far, though, we've just been doing prep time. Classes begin tomorrow (yikes!), and I'm both excited and nervous. I'm teaching 4th and 5th grade at a very nice private school, so these children are very privileged and, in most cases, very intelligent. But kids are kids: they can be sweet or sour as they choose and as we as teachers connect to them. I hope that I have some sweet ones who love me and with whom I can connect well. :)
Things are progressing, moving, proceeding. Yet I still feel a lack of stability: ungrounded. The past couple of weeks have been very challenging on a personal level. Relationships with family and friends have been colored by sorrow. I don't understand why it has to be this way, and although I understand that it shall pass, it really sucks to wade through it. I feel so confused about who I am or want to be and where I want to take it all. I'm tired of people telling me that I don't have to know who I am at my age because I'm only 23. I don't care! I WANT TO KNOW!! I want that stability and security. I'm not interested in "feel-good" motivational phrases about it "getting better" or "working itself out" or anything like that. I feel frustrated, and think that that's valid.
Why am I not permitted to just feel frustrated?
I felt the same way when Dad died: Why can't someone for once just say "That sucks!" instead of trying to label it or rationalize it or fix it as they see fit? I don't want a solution to the unsolvable! I only want the freedom to express what I feel...we all do.
I WISH TO BE FREE TO EXPRESS MYSELF WITHOUT OPINION!!
Is that too much to ask?
I don't think so...
I think we all need this. How else will we wake up to being alive? How else will we dream up the adventure of our fulfilled lives instead of dozing through images of the hum-drum and the mediocre?
"Brutus, thou sleep'st.
Awake, and see thyself!"
